I posed my dilemma to some friends, and one of them said that when we are in a situation that causes negativities (e.g., doubts, concerns, fears, worries, etc.) within us to arise, it is often a signal that there is a lesson waiting to be learned from it. So he asked me what I could possibly learn from the situation. So I reflected, and came up with the following answers:
- I have noticed that when I am there, listening to these people, I have learned to give more of myself, without expecting anything in return. I learn how to forget the past and the future and just focus on what is here right now. By listening to their pains, I learn to momentarily forget my own. And by allowing them the space to be whoever they want to be, I in turn allow myself that gift as well. It's like deep down, I see it as a perfect opportunity to be fully present - no judgments, no expectations, just pure acceptance and love. When I feel an inner resistance, or a judgmental thought comes up ("Oh, dear, here we go again: his wife & kids left him 15 years ago. bloody 'ell get over it, will yah?! Aren't you sick of this drama yet, for God's sake!"), I recognize it right away, and I re-focus my attention to the Now straight away. It's not easy listening fully and attentively, but I amaze even myself how well I am able to focus and really take in what they say for a sustained period of time. And this in itself, is an achievement for me! :P
- I have always regarded myself as a non-judgmental person, but when I started volunteering there, I became more aware how judgmental I actually am. It was unbelievable! I was amazed how much prejudices i actually held! And the more aware I become of my judgments and prejudices, the more I am able to let them go, the more compassion I cultivate in my heart. So volunteering there had actually been a tremendous gift!
- I feel that this experience is an opportunity for me to learn how to give my Love freely, with no attachments or expectations. Maybe that's what this is all about. If I choose to be there, I may as well be there for the sake of being there, regardless of the outcome, regardless of how the people using the service choose how to use the service. They may choose to move forward, or they may choose to keep suffering. Either way, I will just be happy anyway. I have found the perfect opportunity to learn how to love others unconditionally, learn how to not be attached to the outcomes of my actions, and learn how to do something simply for the sake of doing it.
o does that mean I wouldn't even try to help these people to move forward and transcend their issues? Of course I will still help them, but only if they asked me to, and only if they are truly ready to make positive changes.
I am still amazed at how these people are able to keep the same drama going for years and years. I don't know how they could do it, because it really doesn't make any sense to me. But you know what, I have stopped trying to get something out of this endeavour now. This thing is no longer a means to an end for me, and I feel I have learned immensely. I have redefined my purpose for being there. I volunteer there to listen to anybody who could do with some non-judgmental ears, a generous smile, and bottomless unconditional love! And to that end, regardless whether they choose to change or not, I am and will always be, successful.
I have actually grown so much as a person since I started to volunteer there, and I have these people to thank! Maybe I am the one they were supposed to help, after all?
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