Selfish altruism, part 1

Selfish altruism. Quite a funny oxymoron, but yes I was doing it.

I have recently volunteered to be a "listener" in a Charity. The charity has a small drop-in centre. Its mission is to "provides a place where people can come without an appointment for free, to share their worries, fears and problems with a skilled listener". The Charity's service is non-judgmental, with a philosophy that do not concern itself of trying to move anyone forward, nor change anyone for "the better". The ethos is to simply be there for anyone who wants to be listened to.

At first I was really excited about being of service. However, after completing 3 shifts, a dilemma occurred in my mind. So far, the only people I have listened to were "regulars" - people who had been going there, on a regular basis (daily or weekly), for years and years and years- and still talking about exactly the same things, still living exactly the same life situations, even using exactly the same words every time they come in. They are what I would describe as "stuck", for they speak about all the negative things that happened to them 3, or 5, or 10 yrs ago, and it sounds like it just happened yesterday. The pain is still raw and fresh, and they are completely immersed in that time warp.

A part of me is asking myself whether many of them are using the service to further perpetuate their life dramas. Many of them choose to wallow in self-pity, bitterness, or resentment, and I sometimes wonder, "what if they are using the service so they have "an audience"? This way, they find more validity to "keep the show going" (their life script or drama)?"

On one hand, there is no doubt that in a way, at a certain level, we are helping these people. Many of them go there feeling down, and when they walk out the door, they take the time to say how immensely positive they feel after being listened to. And in that respect, I feel I have helped them, somehow, even if the difference I have made only last for a few hours or days. Maybe I don't realise that some of these people are suicidal, and we help them not go over the edge.

On the other hand, I volunteered there to help people, and there was a specific type of outcome I was hoping to get from it (this is why I have called this act as a selfish act of altruism, precisely because I was doing it as a means to an end). The more I spend time there, I feel that my talents could be far useful if I provide it to people who genuinely want to move forward and make positive changes in their lives. If I am to choose between a "regular" and someone new, I would rather choose a new client, because (and yes, I am being selfish here) this way I would feel better, in the sense that I would feel I have contributed "more". A part of me is thinking that I have far better things to do with my 3 hours than sit and further empower someone's illusions, someone's egoic delusions, which is what I feel is what I am ending up doing most of the time (I may be wrong...but what do you think?).

However there is also a part of me who sees nothing wrong with accepting these troubled people as they come. If they wish to go there every day, and talk about exactly the same things, isn't that also OK? I am not advocating that we turn our backs away from them, I am just concerned that maybe we aren't helping these people at all. Maybe the act of sitting down with them and listening to them actually drives them further deeper into their dramas - and if that is the case, then we aren't really helping them, are we?

Do you think I am being too judgmental, or being picky unnecessarily? Is my concern valid - what if, instead of helping the world be a better place, we are actually making it worse by fuelling negative patterns in these individuals? Don't you think that's what we are doing by taking part in their life script as a sympathetic listener?

On the other hand, there is a part of me that feels it's ok. Isn't that part of being unconditionally loving? To give the help they ask of me, without judgment? To honour their choice, even if their choice is to suffer continuously?