Awakening to the Divine Essence

(Recently, I have resumed my Spiritual practices. Since December, a huge part of my time had been devoted to meditating, writing, and reading spiritual teachings. So far, the most influential factor in my shift in consciousness is the works and teachings of an enlightened teacher called Eckhart Tolle, and the book called "A Course in Miracles")



I just want to describe something amazing that happened yesterday. I had been doing the daily lessons from ACIM (A Course in Miracles) for over a month now, and the past few days I had been working on "correcting my seeing". Just recently my task was to say "I am determined to see things differently", "I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts," and similar affirmations.

Yesterday, something beautiful happened. Instead of "working", I spent most of my day viewing videos of Byron Katie (BK) doing "The Work" on You Tube (naughty, I know!) with various types of people having different sorts of problems - from illness, to relationship problems, to family problems, to lack of self-esteem, etc. etc. Halfway through the video, something clicked inside me. In every person BK worked with, I saw that all their problems were just on their minds. I reflected how I do the same. And that was when it hit me. I realized that when I am not Present, most (if not all) - of what I experience are not real. They just went on in my mind. They arent real, because what I experienced were just mental or an emotional projections of my own issues and dysfunctionalities.

For example, when I interact with another person unconsciously, do I really see her? No. Because what I do is I make up stories in my mind about her: I project my insecurities, my fears, my past experiences, my future worries, my pre-conceived notions, my prejudices, my own opinions of what should and shouldn't be, my values, my limited understanding, etc. etc. on her. And because I was so busy judging her and projecting these things at her, I miss to hear what she is really saying or feel what she is really feeling, or experience who she really IS - at this moment, right here now now. I miss to appreciate her being, I miss the gift she has to offer.

When I realized this, I was alone in my office. When I looked around me, everything looked and felt different. It was so weird, it's hard to explain. It was like I was seeing everything for the first time! . I looked at the table and the chairs and the windows and everything felt fresh and alive and magical! I felt a deep sense of curiosity, like my mind was completely free...empty and ready for what those things had to offer at that moment. Everything seemed brighter and bigger and the inside of my head seemed to have expanded but it felt completely empty...

It was like realizing that all this time I had been looking, but not really seeing... because my sight had been blocked by the veils created by the conditioned mind. What a relief to finally be able to see things for real!

When I opened ACIM again when I got home, these words jumped out at me, and its timing couldn't have been better:

You could , in fact, gain vision from that table, if you would withdraw all your ideas from it, and look upon it with a completely open mind: it has something to show you; something beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope. Hidden all your ideas about it is its real purpose, the purpose it shares with the Universe.

I found it SO Funny I laughed so hard, for a long time. I mean, do you also find that every time you have this sort of moment - an epiphany, or moments when you know you finally "GET" something... isn't it funny how you have actually heard the same thing over and over and over again in the past, but it's actually just now that the real meaning sank in? And when you finally "got" it, isn't it funny how you didn't get it in the first place? Because it's actually SO simple, it's like it's just plain common sense? And then you laugh at yourself, you laugh at the way how you created problems in the past because you didn't get it at the time, you laugh at everything!

Selfish Altruism, part 2

Continued...

I posed my dilemma to some friends, and one of them said that when we are in a situation that causes negativities (e.g., doubts, concerns, fears, worries, etc.) within us to arise, it is often a signal that there is a lesson waiting to be learned from it. So he asked me what I could possibly learn from the situation. So I reflected, and came up with the following answers:

• I have noticed that when I am there, listening to these people, I have learned to give more of myself, without expecting anything in return. I learn how to forget the past and the future and just focus on what is here right now. By listening to their pains, I learn to momentarily forget my own. And by allowing them the space to be whoever they want to be, I in turn allow myself that gift as well. It's like deep down, I see it as a perfect opportunity to be fully present - no judgments, no expectations, just pure acceptance and love. When I feel an inner resistance, or a judgmental thought comes up ("Oh, dear, here we go again: his wife & kids left him 15 years ago. bloody 'ell get over it, will yah?! Aren't you sick of this drama yet, for God's sake!"), I recognize it right away, and I re-focus my attention to the Now straight away. It's not easy listening fully and attentively, but I amaze even myself how well I am able to focus and really take in what they say for a sustained period of time. And this in itself, is an achievement for me! :P
  

• I have always regarded myself as a non-judgmental person, but when I started volunteering there, I became more aware how judgmental I actually am. It was unbelievable! I was amazed how much prejudices i actually held! And the more aware I become of my judgments and prejudices, the more I am able to let them go, the more compassion I cultivate in my heart. So volunteering there had actually been a tremendous gift!
  

• I feel that this experience is an opportunity for me to learn how to give my Love freely, with no attachments or expectations. Maybe that's what this is all about. If I choose to be there, I may as well be there for the sake of being there, regardless of the outcome, regardless of how the people using the service choose how to use the service. They may choose to move forward, or they may choose to keep suffering. Either way, I will just be happy anyway. I have found the perfect opportunity to learn how to love others unconditionally, learn how to not be attached to the outcomes of my actions, and learn how to do something simply for the sake of doing it.
  

o does that mean I wouldn't even try to help these people to move forward and transcend their issues? Of course I will still help them, but only if they asked me to, and only if they are truly ready to make positive changes.

I am still amazed at how these people are able to keep the same drama going for years and years. I don't know how they could do it, because it really doesn't make any sense to me. But you know what, I have stopped trying to get something out of this endeavour now. This thing is no longer a means to an end for me, and I feel I have learned immensely. I have redefined my purpose for being there. I volunteer there to listen to anybody who could do with some non-judgmental ears, a generous smile, and bottomless unconditional love! And to that end, regardless whether they choose to change or not, I am and will always be, successful.

I have actually grown so much as a person since I started to volunteer there, and I have these people to thank! Maybe I am the one they were supposed to help, after all?

Selfish altruism, part 1

Selfish altruism. Quite a funny oxymoron, but yes I was doing it.

I have recently volunteered to be a "listener" in a Charity. The charity has a small drop-in centre. Its mission is to "provides a place where people can come without an appointment for free, to share their worries, fears and problems with a skilled listener". The Charity's service is non-judgmental, with a philosophy that do not concern itself of trying to move anyone forward, nor change anyone for "the better". The ethos is to simply be there for anyone who wants to be listened to.

At first I was really excited about being of service. However, after completing 3 shifts, a dilemma occurred in my mind. So far, the only people I have listened to were "regulars" - people who had been going there, on a regular basis (daily or weekly), for years and years and years- and still talking about exactly the same things, still living exactly the same life situations, even using exactly the same words every time they come in. They are what I would describe as "stuck", for they speak about all the negative things that happened to them 3, or 5, or 10 yrs ago, and it sounds like it just happened yesterday. The pain is still raw and fresh, and they are completely immersed in that time warp.

A part of me is asking myself whether many of them are using the service to further perpetuate their life dramas. Many of them choose to wallow in self-pity, bitterness, or resentment, and I sometimes wonder, "what if they are using the service so they have "an audience"? This way, they find more validity to "keep the show going" (their life script or drama)?"

On one hand, there is no doubt that in a way, at a certain level, we are helping these people. Many of them go there feeling down, and when they walk out the door, they take the time to say how immensely positive they feel after being listened to. And in that respect, I feel I have helped them, somehow, even if the difference I have made only last for a few hours or days. Maybe I don't realise that some of these people are suicidal, and we help them not go over the edge.

On the other hand, I volunteered there to help people, and there was a specific type of outcome I was hoping to get from it (this is why I have called this act as a selfish act of altruism, precisely because I was doing it as a means to an end). The more I spend time there, I feel that my talents could be far useful if I provide it to people who genuinely want to move forward and make positive changes in their lives. If I am to choose between a "regular" and someone new, I would rather choose a new client, because (and yes, I am being selfish here) this way I would feel better, in the sense that I would feel I have contributed "more". A part of me is thinking that I have far better things to do with my 3 hours than sit and further empower someone's illusions, someone's egoic delusions, which is what I feel is what I am ending up doing most of the time (I may be wrong...but what do you think?).

However there is also a part of me who sees nothing wrong with accepting these troubled people as they come. If they wish to go there every day, and talk about exactly the same things, isn't that also OK? I am not advocating that we turn our backs away from them, I am just concerned that maybe we aren't helping these people at all. Maybe the act of sitting down with them and listening to them actually drives them further deeper into their dramas - and if that is the case, then we aren't really helping them, are we?

Do you think I am being too judgmental, or being picky unnecessarily? Is my concern valid - what if, instead of helping the world be a better place, we are actually making it worse by fuelling negative patterns in these individuals? Don't you think that's what we are doing by taking part in their life script as a sympathetic listener?

On the other hand, there is a part of me that feels it's ok. Isn't that part of being unconditionally loving? To give the help they ask of me, without judgment? To honour their choice, even if their choice is to suffer continuously?